Let me drown my fears
by lexwrites
Summary: Santana Lopez absolutely, utterly loathes change; or five times Santana drinks to deal with a change in her life and one time she just can't do that.


_1.__  
>2011, summer after she finished junior year<em>

It's not pleasant the first time.

Brittany knew that it was coming, though. Santana was never able to take change very well; of course, she never needed a reason to do it earlier.

This time, however, she told herself it's because of that. It didn't make anything the way it was before but she was able to forget it for a while. At least until tomorrow, when she'll, hopefully, feel a little more comfortable about it.

As the liquor kicks in, Puck is free to do whatever she pleases with him, like he always is. So she settles for making out on his couch in a room full of people their age. No one, though, except for Brittany, pays attention to them.

It's nothing new, but it's still not pleasant for Brittany to watch. It wasn't that it bothered her, it couldn't bother her; she wasn't with Santana, so technically, it shouldn't bother her.

But it does and the blonde absolutely loathes it. But she doesn't do anything. She tells herself that she is squirming because the stool she is sitting on is incredibly uncomfortable. Not like anyone is paying attention to her; she could jump off a cliff now and everyone would wish her a wonderful trip. Though that might be because every living soul in the house is drunk; well, except for Quinn, who was keeping an eye on Rachel and trying to keep her away from trouble.

Seeing Santana taking a big gulp out of the tequila bottle, Brittany realized she has dozed off for a while since the Puck session was over.

She knew exactly what would come next, so she moved towards her, bumping into Mike along the way and ignoring his request to have a threesome. The tears had already started and she was afraid Santana was going to ignore her like normally when she wasn't there on time.

But Santana lunged for her and never missed. Her usually strong arms were wrapped around Brittany in no time and she was sobbing openly in her neck.

There was no talking and it amazed Brittany that she could get Santana to sit with her on the couch calmly. Of course, Santana and her constant horniness made her straddle Brittany but she did nothing else, just crying uncontrollably while the blonde held her and occasionally stroked her back.

It's not that Brittany liked doing just that but she knew nothing would happen that night; not while Santana could pass out any minute. So, instead, she just sighed from time to time and looked at her clock a couple of times before leading them both out of the house.

Santana woke up in a warm room, enveloped by the bed sheets around her. Glancing at her clock told her that it was far too early for being awake on summer vacation but she still got up.

She recognized the room to be a guest room in Brittany's house and quickly got out of it after throwing the clothes Brittany left for her.

Peeking inside the blonde's room, she saw that Brittany was still asleep in her own bed. Sighing to herself, she approached the girl and swiftly kissed her temple, causing her to open her eyes before going back to her peaceful dream.

Santana slipped out of the room and out of the house as quickly as she could, only stopping to greet Mrs. Pierce.

She absolutely hated change but, somehow, it didn't feel like anything has changed now. She's still on her way home after spending a night trashing herself with alcohol and being taken away from whichever guy she was making out with by Brittany. She's still feeling the same way as before, when she hadn't told Brittany a new, or so she thought, piece of information.

Brittany, as it turns out, already knew her best friend was a lesbian and that calmed Santana down a little but not merely enough to just forget about confessing it.

-

_2.__  
>2012, summer after she got through high school<em>

The second time is worse; hence the reason Santana is breaking down even earlier.

She's been straddling Finn since after her fourth drink and he's been turned on the whole time. It was infuriating but she continued, Puck was committed now or some shit, so the golden boy was her only available option and she had to go through with it.

Still, she ended up in Brittany's arms much before the blonde had though she would have to go get her. Everything about that night was different, so Santana just cut everything and approached Brittany before she could even move from her place.

Rubbing Santana's back slightly, Brittany said goodbye to barely sober Rachel and exited their last high school party with the Latina still wrapped around her.

Her quiet singing coaxed her best friend to sleep faster than she thought it would and, by the time they were at her house, she had to carry Santana inside.

The dried tears triggered all of Santana's innocence to come out on the open and Brittany lightly pecked her head and the girl in her arms yawned.

"Tired."

"I'll get you to bed now." Brittany replied as silently as Santana uttered her sentence. She flicked the lights in the hallway to kick off her shoes and then came wholly into the quiet house without waking anyone up.

Once it was clear that Brittany was taking her to the guest room, Santana spoke. "Wanna sleep with you." Brittany sighed loudly but still carried on in the direction she was going already. She tried her hardest to resist how whiny Santana's voice was and took her to the bed when they were in the room.

Seating Santana there, Brittany took off her shoes and placed them next to a night table, making sure that Santana won't trip when she gets up in a few hours. She lifted Santana up and slid up her dress over her head, scowling when she noticed that the girl wasn't wearing any underwear and emerged to her own room to get a bra and her panties.

Two minutes later, Santana was covered with a duvet and safely in bed, half asleep and mumbling something Brittany couldn't understand. The blonde leaned down and kissed Santana's head tenderly before going towards the door.

"Love ya." Santana muttered lowly before she completely dozed off and Brittany turned off the lights and got herself ready for bed.

Tomorrow morning came far too quickly for Santana and she barely resisted going back to sleep. Instead, she got up from the bed, noticed that Brittany didn't bother giving her her own clothes but left the dress Santana was wearing the night before on the end of the bed.

Trying to shake her headache away, Santana threw it on and got her shoes on her feet before escaping the room. She stopped by Brittany's room and kissed the girl's temple, this time gaining no reaction at all, before saying goodbye to Mrs. Pierce and making her way home to start packing.

New York was never her first choice but Brittany got into Juilliard and she had to go. Seattle was more convenient or even Chicago but no… she'd to the end of the Earth and back for Brittany, even if it meant having to work her ass off so she could get a scholarship to Columbia.

-

_3.__  
>2014, summer after she completed her second year of college<em>

Brittany hopes that the third time's really a charm but that was never true.

She's still at a random party, waiting for Santana to get drunk enough so they could go home. Home, as in their apartment near both of their schools. Home, as in where they lived for two years now. Home, as in where they go to whenever the world gets hard to beat. New York is home, Lima is not anymore.

Santana is not stupid enough to make out with some guy that shares a class or two with this time. Sure, she thought about it but she couldn't do that now. Not when Brittany was watching her every move from the couch.

Brittany prayed that Santana is not stupid enough to do it. It would be awkward, sharing a home with her if she did. Yes, they had two bedrooms in there but the other one is a guest room now. A guest room without a bed to sleep in because of their sudden need to renovate it.

Brittany hopes that, just in this case, third time's really a charm.

Santana doesn't know what to do once her tears start falling down. She's been working on that, crying when drunk, and found out that it's controllable, barely so.

But she didn't want to make herself stop now. She wanted to know if Brittany was going to notice it. Of course, she was dumb for ever thinking the blonde would just leave her on her own while crying, even if she was drunk from scotch and tequila and whatever else they had on the party.

Once she was wrapped in dancer's arms, she couldn't stop sobs from coming over and over again. Brittany's whisper wasn't understandable in all of the noise filled room but Santana guessed it was calming, like always.

They were in their apartment soon enough and in the living room once Brittany took of both of theirs shoes. Straddling her slightly, Santana tried to calm herself down enough so she could talk.

"I thought you wouldn't come for me." She managed after she collected herself. Brittany's grip on her lower back strengthened as she kissed the top of the Latina's head.

"Silly you." Brittany only said, breathing in and out slowly as she thought about it.

They parted after a long half an hour when Brittany shook Santana a little to make sure she wasn't asleep. "Hm?"

"I'll get you a pillow and covers. You're sleeping here tonight." Brittany informed rapidly, getting up when Santana took her position on the couch.

Her tears just seemed to keep coming, for none particular reason. Yes, she wanted to sleep with Brittany tonight but she was sure no amount of whining and begging would convince the blonde to overcome the 'no sleeping in the same bed as me when you're drunk' rule she invented.

Minutes later, Brittany re-entered the living room and approached Santana. She put the pillow down and laid the Latina on it gently, pecking her lips slightly as she covered her with a duvet.

"Goodnight." Santana whispered, adding an 'I love you' before dozing off and letting herself get lost in her dreams.

"Goodnight." Brittany returned to her, knowing that she wasn't being listened to but still was satisfied with it while walking back to their room.

And in the morning, when Santana woke up at the crack of dawn and her head hurt like she hit it in the wall continuously, she got up with her pillow embraced tightly to her body. She might have headed towards the front door but shook the reflex off and made her way to the bedroom.

With a kiss placed on Brittany's forehead, she enveloped the girl in a hug and fell asleep, accepting their newly established relationship in the process.

-

_4.__  
>2017, summer after she became successful<em>

It turns out the fourth time is different.

There is no party this time and Brittany's not with her. Instead, she is with Berry in a bar, after a night of hard work for both of them. And Brittany is still working; some actor needed extra help with a choreography she invented for the show. Santana wonders briefly why Rachel isn't there.

The diva dismisses her when she asks, something about him having trouble with his solo act. It's obvious she doesn't like not being in spotlight for every second of that off-Broadway show but knows better than to say that to Santana; she's the one that made it possible for Rachel to have her big break or whatever they were calling it now.

"This shit is good." And there it is, the first sign that Rachel is drunk; the swearing. Santana can't say she blames her for drinking; after all, she was doing the same.

It's not that this time is something worth drinking for but being in charge of a getting-larger-everyday company was something near to big deal. It is a change she needs to forget for a night.

Santana's been in the bar since around ten o'clock, right around the time Rachel's rehearsal finished, and it's midnight and she's waiting for her knight in a shining armor to take her to their home.

The crying isn't going to happen tonight, partly because she made sure to get rid of that habit before her senior year of college and partly because Berry would just tease her about it later.

"Why are you here?" She asks the singer after thinking about it, her voice shows nothing but the annoyance. She kind of likes Rachel, though; she's surely not going to tell her that, ever.

"Quinn is at an engagement party I didn't want to go to." Rachel answers suddenly, after moments of silence; she's been checking out the tiny glass in front of her for most of the night.

"Sucks to be you."

The bell on the door of the bar rings and Santana thinks it's stupid; putting a bell to announce everyone's presence in there, that is. She is pretty sure she knows who came in but doesn't turn around to confirm it.

"You shouldn't be drinking by yourself." Brittany's voice is loud and clear over the music.

"Psh, I'm fine; Berry's here." Santana points to Rachel, whose head is laid on the bar, as if she's listening to what it has to say to her. The Latina drinks the rest of her drink and jumps out of her stool swiftly, losing her balance and sitting back in it again. "I'll need some time."

After Santana finally managed to get up and Brittany convinced Rachel that driving wasn't an option and that she couldn't stay talking to the counter for the rest of the night, they walked out on the streets of New York, shivering slightly as the summer breeze passed by them.

Since she and Brittany couldn't settle for what car they want, Santana is now in a cab, on her way home after dropping Rachel off, wrapped in Brittany's arms. She's not crying, she just needs to feel her like that at the moment.

They pay a hell of lot money for the ride and take the elevator to the second floor; Santana wasn't sure she could climb that many stairs. The couch is all set for her this time, Brittany knew, the moment Santana informed her that she'll wait for her in the bar, that she'll be drunk, she figured it'd be good to be prepared.

Settling Santana to lay on the couch, she kissed her lightly, standing up immediately after and heading towards their room.

"I love you." Santana murmured tenderly, waiting for a response and closing her eyes after she got it.

Brittany is already up when she awakes, so instead of going to their room, she sits on her chair in the dining room and burns her tongue when she instantly sips Brittany's cocoa.

"You okay?" The blonde asks from her seat and Santana knows she isn't referring to her tongue. She nods carefully, looking up to see Brittany's deep blue eyes staring at her.

Her nod is the only answer Brittany will get, so she stands up, dressed in her usual work out clothing, and places a chaste kiss on Santana's lips before going out of the apartment. It's only then that Santana completely acknowledges that she's the CEO of a wealthy company.

-

_5.__  
>2018, summer after she had a proposition<em>

And when the fifth time comes, Brittany is surprised she lasted this long.

They're at their apartment again and hosting a party. It's good to be back after a full month. They could've stayed even longer but Santana couldn't risk Quinn and Rachel killing another one of their plants on expense of their honeymoon.

The music is loud and there is drinking going on everywhere. Brittany's colleagues and Santana's co-workers combined with some of their high school friends is, in no way, good for anyone.

Santana took a bottle of vodka for herself and, after an hour of funny expressions at the taste of it, she finished it. She couldn't find Brittany right away, mostly because she didn't want to look for her herself, but after yelling at Quinn to go get her, she succeeded.

The blonde was holding her lightly in her arms and sat them down on an armchair that was the closest to them in a matter of seconds. Quinn gave up on watching them and went to find something or Rachel, but Santana is sure that's practically the same thing.

It's not that Santana didn't like it, being embraced in Brittany's arms, but she was far too tired to stay awake in that position. "Wanna sleep." She informed Brittany softly, chuckling when the blonde flinched a little from the surprise voice.

With the guest room being finished, that's where they headed. Santana's head was buried deep in Brittany's neck as she tried to take of her dress. It would have helped if Santana actually put some effort in it but the blonde managed it alone after not so long.

The bed was much more comfortable than their couch but it still didn't stop Santana from waking up at God knows what hour. Still, she got up and walked down the hall.

The door of their room was closed and Santana knew Brittany was still sleeping in there. She looked at her ring, smiling gently at it, and pushed the door open to reveal her wife curled up under the covers.

Once in bed, she kissed Brittany's cheek and dozed off on her side of their bed.

-

_1.__  
>2019, summer after she let her wife decide<em>

The next time change hits in, Santana hates it.

Normally, she would have gotten over it faster but she just couldn't. Now is the first time something's really showing it. Well, if you don't count extra pounds she threw on in six months.

Rachel has some book of Jewish names and Quinn is scowling at her in their living room. Whoever thought picking out names with hormonal Quinn and her bitchy self was probably insane; of course, she would never tell Brittany that.

"What about Autumn?" Brittany's voice broke her thoughts and she soon found herself puzzled. Is anyone named Autumn, anyway?

"I think we should stick to normal names." Santana answers lovingly, not wanting to upset her wife with her attitude.

"Can I have bacon now?" Quinn directs at Rachel, who looks like she's in deep pain when she nods at her. Once Quinn is out of the room, Santana tries to get Berry to go out with her to some bar.

Brittany, though, won't have any of it. Something about baby getting sick of the cigarette smoke in there. When Santana tries to argue with her and say that Rachel will just drink for her and then they'll be out soon, she gets only a stern look and a flip of a page as a response.

Brittany's only on A and Rachel already found a perfect name that she has to convince Quinn. It'll be hard, even she knows it, but Quinn is nothing if not whipped.

But Santana can't blame her; she'd name her kid Autumn if Brittany really wants it that much. Sighing loudly, she joined Brittany and got the book from her wife's hands, turning it immediately to S and finding what she wanted.

The blonde smiles as she points to it, nodding her head slightly and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

The rest of the night consists of stolen moments and listening to Quinn and Rachel argue about yet another name Rachel has picked out. Santana thinks it's not that bad but she'll be damned if she ever tells a pregnant Quinn that; she thinks that her fork is still laying somewhere in the room.

She loathes that she can't get drunk this time, too, it's kind of their ritual by now. But she won't do anything to put her unborn kid in any kind of danger. That, and Brittany wouldn't just let her do it. Just like she wasn't letting her do any work from the office.

Well, technically, she wasn't letting her do any work at all but Santana sneaked a peek or two when she was in her dance studio.

First three month were bearable, mostly because she still had her work position full time. But then Brittany put a stop to that and the change started to kick in. It's not until this night that she actually felt it, though. How much serious does it get when you're picking out the name? Well, more precisely, two names. Because Brittany didn't want to find out the gender of the baby.

Still, when Summer Dorothy Lopez-Pierce joins them after three more month, they both couldn't have been more happy that it came to that particular change.

-


End file.
